What happens when they lose? What happens when the logic that your brain automatically tries to apply to a situation simply…fails, because the lies have so tragically and irrationally won?
What happens when only those closest to you know the truth, and another very different story, with you as the primary “fool”, is known to the public?
How do you regain your sanity, when the vitality of the lies make you question the reality of what actually happened?
How do you….prevent relapses? How do you banish it from your mind forever so that the dark taint vaporizes?
I have forgiven. I sometimes have to forgive daily. I refuse to become bitter. Yet, aside from forgiveness, it seems it truly is the memories, laying dormant just underneath the surface of my consciousness, which constantly threaten to overturn this homeostasis secondary to the healing process.
Something mundane – a song, a landmark, a certain time of year with the weather just right – sparks a memory that brings it all flooding back to me in overwhelming fashion. My memory here works against me, and with the visual reminder I am instantaneously brought back to a torrent of haunting emotions. Humiliation. That’s the big one – I would argue worse than the rejection because I know that the rejection comes from fear. But also the nagging…persistent…grating….WHY?
Why did the lies seem to win? Why was the love that was very thick and tangible, traded for something else so destructive, manipulative, unhealthy and superficial?
Yes, I know I know…”Oh, well that wasn’t really love.” Or…”just do something else, keep yourself busy and don’t think about it” (because that works for the millions of work-aholics in our country already…great, thanks I’ll just join the ranks of people who deaden their emotions with work). Or even, “Well, you just have to trust God” (thanks, I strive to do that daily but these emotions are really strong and I don’t think they dictate whether or not I’m trusting the Deity whom I follow). “Look ahead, keep moving forward, see all you have to look forward to and all you’ve accomplished.” OK, but what about the days which, while further between now, still bring everything back in a flash, catching me off guard even?
(To be continued…)