I’m trying to understand what happened.
I’m so excited for tomorrow morning.
What do you do when you have your “Aha” moment….and it’s so….sooo far in the opposite direction from what you envisioned and worked towards for years prior? I have had a mission. It makes sense. I have the work ethic to do it….I made it here. I made it through so much other sh** that I shouldn’t have even made it this far (but I did, b****es, I did).
I have a friend who…Scratch that, I have 2 friends that come to mind, who are doing what they love. One works with dolphins; the other is a neuroscientist. I wondered if I would ever have that sense of finding “it” – that thing that truly invigorates me, that lights me up, that comes *seemingly* effortlessly. I wasn’t looking for it, though, because I thought that I was already on track and that if I just kept plugging along, working hard, putting my head down and trucking through, that “it” would come.
Well, I’ve been blind-sided, my friends. Earlier this year I volunteered with a group that helps high school kids get involved in science. There was a forensics day, which sounded interesting, so I spent a couple of hours and really enjoyed watching their thought processes as they worked through some fake crime scenes. Later on, I figured I would tag along at a medical examiner’s office, just to explore a little, check something off my list, and move on as I immersed myself in my (very intense) summer research. Except that as soon as I checked it off my list, it grabbed me from my inner…being…(there’s a word, and I can’t place it) and drove me forward. I’m having such an internal battle. Is it just the novelty of the experience? Is it just that it has been an escape from a lab that didn’t suit me well and had my hair falling out as a result? Is it that I currently hold no true responsibility in that office at this point? What is this feeling? The excitement, the passion, the intrigue, the amazement, the drive for another case, and another, the sense that this is such a deep fountain of things unknown from which one can learn so much and have such a dramatic effect (ie. As an expert witness), the mystery of the unknown with the excavation of each unique scenario, the wonder that the human body can so loquaciously betray a story that was perhaps meant to remain covert…
Perhaps I should address more of these questions again tomorrow, after another morning of exploration.
Still, what do I do? I cannot deny the dichotomous experiences and their effects on me physiologically, intellectually, emotionally even. None of this is anywhere near what I would have expected; yet, when I think about it, things make sense when I consider my previous experiences, prior career. But then again I worked for so many years, working up to this point, struggling to get to where I am.
I cannot deny the sense of….freedom, of the ability to breathe, which I have obtained so ironically from those who have ceased to respire. It’s like, I know exactly what to do with it, yet I am dumbfounded because it completely derails my plan. The Sacred Plan. As if I could actually prepare myself for all of the new things I would learn and experience here….